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A Valley-Dweller’s Guide

This year, much like last year, has been wild. There’s been viruses and diets and banana bread and online courses and many crying sessions on account of the coffee machine breaking… and everything in between. And on the off chance that music doesn’t immediately get you out of that funk (and by funk I mean baked-goods-induced coma), there’s only one place to look: Oven Baked’s menu.

 

First up: large or medium? Next, which toppings? Gluten-free base? What about add-ons? And removals? So many choices, and ones, frankly, that we don’t have time for — Outer Banks takes time, folks, and it doesn’t binge-watch itself. Nevertheless, we move. And by that, I mean your favourite crave-crunching pizzeria has made a Valley-Dweller’s Guide To Ordering Pizza.

 

when you remember Kobe Bryant died

Sweet and Savoury (caramelised onion, brie, bacon, fig preserve, and rocket)

The Carnivore (bacon, salami, chicken, and BBQ dressing)

Chicken Mayo (chicken, red onion, mayonnaise, and black pepper)

 

during a Gilmore Girls marathon

The American (double cheese and pepperoni)

Roots and Shoots (spinach, olives, and sundried tomato)

Napoli (anchovies, feta, and olives)

 

after the diet that you started on Monday ended on Tuesday

The Davis (chicken, jalapeño, sour cream, avo, and rocket)

Sticky Fillet (marinated pork fillet, peppadews, caramelised onions, and sesame seeds)

Chicken Tikka (chicken tikka and red onion)

 

to get your neighbours to like you

Caribbean Twist (bacon, banana, and feta)

Four Seasons (salami, olives, peppers, and mushrooms)

Mousetrap (cheddar, mozzarella, feta, brie, and spring onions)

 

when you’re trying to figure out if you like her or if she just wears cool rings

I Dare You (chicken, jalapeño, mushroom, and spicy siracha sauce)

Butternut Bliss (butternut, feta, olives, and almond shavings)

The One (bacon, avo, feta, peppadews, and rocket)

 

a midnight snack to calm your nerves post-horror-movie

Margherita (tomato base topped with mozzarella)

Pizza Pesto (mozzarella, rosa tomatoes, olives, feta, and pesto dressing)

Herbivore (vegan cheese, olives, mushrooms, sundried tomato, and garlic)

 

to fuel your excitement at the first social gathering you’ve attended in months

Regina (ham and mushroom)

Popeye the Sailor (feta, spinach, and mushrooms)

Surf’s Up (ham and pineapple)

 

recovery from when your family asked when you’re getting married

Pedro (avo, mince, jalapeño, and peppers)

Rainbow Nation (chicken, biltong, rocket, avo, feta, and sweet chilli dressing)

Sweet Chilli Chicken (spring onion, sweet chilli, chicken, mushrooms, and crème fraîche)

 

 

Take full advantage of this list, folks. It’s valuable.

 

Aimee van der Merwe

 

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