You and Me, We’re the Same
We’ve reached a point in our lives when daily structure and commonplace habits are, pretty much, beyond comprehension — I can’t be the only one who Googled how long to cook 2-Minute noodles for… surely. And, to be fair, it is easy to forget to refill the ice cube tray after you’ve just emptied it; or to literally research how to lace shoes — can’t just be me, right? And I don’t have an ounce of doubt that all three of all our alarms are set a minute apart. If we can’t even figure out if fifty-two is divisible by nineteen (spoiler alert — it is), how are we supposed to know what to do on a Saturday?
If you’re one of the many who’s entirely clueless every time a Saturday comes around (it’s like a surprise every week), we’ve truly got you sorted — a foolproof plan for every weekend ever that is guaranteed to make you feel like you’ve landed in a spur-of-the-moment, slice-of-life, coming-of-age movie! What we’ve got here is golden, folks — an absolute pot of gold for introverts, such as myself, wandering around like lost farts… when, instead, we should be following this critically important set of instructions to a tee. So, with no further ado, let’s get into it!
Read a Book
As passively preached by my English teacher, and actively believed by myself, reading is possibly the greatest waste of time in the existence of both waste and time — bonus points if it’s a novel no-one’s ever heard of. Hence, here are a bunch of underrated novels that are totally worth your time! They’re quite deep, though, so buckle in.
The Virgin Suicides — Jeffrey Eugenides
A Good Neighborhood — Therese Anne Fowler
The Pursuit of Happiness — Douglas Kennedy
Sushi for Beginners — Marian Keyes
Duma Key — Stephen King
Separation Anxiety — Laura Zigman
The Pact — Jodi Picoult
Bake a Cake
Here’s the twist: you’ve got to bake it for someone else. Nothing beats the look on a neighbour’s/sibling’s/classmate’s face when, out of nowhere, a home-baked delicacy is passive-aggressively shoved into their arms purely on the basis of virtue signaling — trust. We recommend adding an extra egg or two (for moistening), and then adding another cake (for yourself). And, here’s something for nothing: buttercream icing hits different, especially if it’s ever-so-slightly dyed red. And it’s the new in-thing to scoop out the freshly-baked cake with the rim of a wine glass… so, that’s a must-do.
Listen to Our New Playlist
As a valley-oriented business, we’re trying to appeal to the masses. Therefore, it’s integral that we get the infamous Gen Zs’ approval, which we’ll only be successful carrying out if we bribe them with their one weakness: indie music. In support of our young customers, we’ve created a Gen-Z-esque playlist. Our target audience is as follows:
- people who say they’re “born in the wrong generation”
- individuals who wear corduroy pants (especially if they refer to aforementioned pants as “cords”)
- teenagers who wear too many rings to be fashionable
- those who colour their hair so often it’s lowkey dying
- people who claim to watch Pirates of the Caribbean “for the plot”
- Tik Tok-obsessed singletons
- literarily-capable individuals who are incapable of social interaction
- thirteen-year-olds who use the words “swag” and “intricacies” in the same sentence
You can find our playlist, for the indie kids, here: Spotify
Order a Pizza
Bias? Not a chance. Pizza makes a perfect choice for any meal and any situation (as proved here and here) — solo or with one’s homies, at home or at Kirstenbosch… if you’d like, you can even combine all of the instructions in one, and hold a book club meeting at Kirstenbosch with pizza and cake, whilst listening to our vibey (and album cover colour-coded) playlist. We’ve actually had some new additions as of late, which we hope you’re as excited about as we are:
Chicken Mayo — chicken, mayo, red onion, black pepper (R90/R110)
Roots and Shoots — spinach, olives, sundried tomato (R90/R110)
Chicken Tikka — chicken tikka and red onion (R90/R110)
So, there we go! A whole set of instructions for the average Saturday-goer. Enjoy it! And don’t forget to wear your mask!